So many thoughts

I've already canceled this draft so many times because I can't come up with a post that I like. This is the week we ship our magazine, and we lost a day because of the MLK Jr. holiday, and our pagination got all switched around at the last minute, so I'm exhausted. But I want to write something (anything, clearly) and I can't let the vicious cycle of self-editing prevent that, so I am writing even though I'm not that happy with what I'm saying.

I missed this week's The Office. My TiVo messed up and I'm so distraught! Interestingly, I was not as distraught that it didn't tape Grey's Anatomy or Ugly Betty.

Also, I am freezing. This cold snap has gone on long enough, as far as I'm concerned. I think it's funny how the posts on the Golden Gate Mothers Group email list seem to be directly related to the weather. When it's raining, you see people asking for recommended roofing companies. When it's freezing, people are asking about furnace repair people. When it's windy, cold, and raining all at the same time, people want recommendations for where to get new windows. It makes me feel better, for no good reason, to have company in my misery. Somehow it's comforting to know I'm not the only one freezing in a drafty old San Francisco Victorian with rattling windows right around now!

Alex is asleep right now. Though I love being able to get some work done in the evenings and have time to myself, it is really sad to only have a few hours with him before and after work. I think this is only going to get a lot harder as he grows up and starts to be more aware. There are many things that are difficult about being a working mom, but that one is the hardest. I find myself reminiscing about my maternity leave when I could hang out with him all day. I keep telling myself that I am setting a good example for him just the way my mom set a good example for me. And by that, I certainly don't mean that working is "better" than not working. I only mean that being fulfilled in one's chosen path is good, and I happen to have a fulfilling job right now so that's the route I'm going. But it is SO hard.

Time for sleep. I always listen to Alex's breathing before I get into bed. I know that's probably a classic "first baby" thing and I probably will stop doing that at some point. But right now, I love hearing his breath and watching him sleep for a few minutes right before bed. They say babies need a ritual to help them get to sleep. I'm not a baby, but that's my bedtime ritual and I love it.


Unknown said...

sweet baby breaths

Anna said...

Adults need rituals, too. And it's sweet that listening to your baby is yours.

Elizabeth said...

I feel like a stereotypical new parent because I am always checking to see if Adriana's breathing when she's asleep. At night she's in a cosleeper attached to my side of the bed, which I love because when we're lying next to each other like that it's much easier to see her chest rising and falling. I rarely even have to poke at her to get to her wiggle to reassure assure myself. Hopefully in a couple of months I'll be okay just checking her before I go to sleep myself.

Jennifer said...

whatever the reason, it is wonderful watching your baby sleep :)