I know my life's about to change dramatically any minute now (literally), but right now it does seem like it's possible to be pregnant forever. It's so weird how my body can just remain in stasis even though clearly there's this gigantic baby inside kicking and contorting. Nick and I are joking that the baby might just be as nervous as we are...he's not looking forward to jettisoning himself into the world of sleepless nights, unfamiliar routines, and ridiculous politics either. I mean, we are actually ready for him now; it's amazing what one week of being at home without having to work did for my mental and physical preparation. But it's still a daunting transition, and I get the feeling Nick and I aren't the only ones with a mild amount of ambivalence about getting on with things. I had this major hunch that today was the day when I would have the baby, but so far, he's continuing to seem quite comfortable where he is.
By the way, I feel a little guilty admitting that I still harbor that shred of ambivalence about parenthood even at this incredibly late stage. I asked my brother if he felt any of that at the similar moment in his life, and he sounded darned honest in saying that he was completely ready and excited. Also, it seems like all other pregnant women I've met recently reach this point of being "done" and simply wanting it to end no matter what quality-of-life discomforts lie ahead. I certainly understand that feeling. It's quite miserable being so big and swollen with no end in sight except one that involves the long process of pain and suffering known as labor and delivery. And I am excited to meet this little creature I've been nurturing for nine months and dreaming about, on some level, all my life.
At the same time, I've gotta be honest: I'll always cherish the memories of these last few weeks that I got to spend with my husband, my mom, my cats, my friends, and myself, when I didn't really have to worry about anyone's needs but my own, when I could sleep on my own schedule, when I could sneak away to shop for tree mulch, or grab a chai latte, or do the NY Times crossword puzzle, or write an introspective blog post, or take a silly cat photo, or read a Lord Peter Wimsey mystery novel, or watch The Amazing Race, or play Rocket Slime on DS, or bake Irish Soda Bread from Julia Child's recipe, or count the baby lemons on my potted Meyer Lemon tree, or...you get the idea...without having to share my attention with anyone. I'm sure what's around the corner will be worth it, but I have to give one last shout-out to my child-free years. I'll miss them.
And no, in the course of writing this long post, I didn't feel anything remotely resembling the onset of labor. But here's a silly cat photo for good measure:
Oh ok fine, here's ONE more!